What it’s like to date a sociopath

I’ve never particularly thought of my love life as ‘unlucky’ but it’s how my best friends describe my past relationships…thanks girls, haha!   It’s true though, I have never been in a truly loving, kind relationship.  I honestly don’t know what it’s like to feel deeply cared for, like that person would do anything for me.

That’s probably something to do with the fact that two of my ex-partners have been (undiagnosed) sociopaths.  Their behaviour and personality is sumed up perfectly by the characteristics found in sociopaths and so I wanted to write about what these relationships were like.  I want to mention here that I even sat down with one of my exes and together we went through an ‘online sociopath test’ and he got top marks and agreed himself that he fit all the characteristics.

Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t truly terrible relationships… I was happy (for a time) and enjoyed their company and felt adored (at times) but after each realtionship had ended I could see clearly looking back that most of it was lies.

Wow this is getting deep already.

Here are my thoughts on what it’s like to date a sociopath.

1. They are incredibly charming.  They know how to make people laugh, how to make heads turn when they enter the room, how to make people like them.  They are often the loudest and they are also very charismatic.  This is incredible in social situations and also at the start of the relationship, you almost feel special that these people are even talking to you, but you’ll soon realise this is not the true ‘them’.

2. It’s almost like dating a few different people as they are so easy to mould themselves depending on who they are around.  Spending time with them alone for example would be quite different to spending time with them and my family or them with their friends.

3. Compulsive Liar.  This one was particularly hard for me because honesty is one of the biggest things to me, and both of my exes were compulsive liars.  The problem was that these lies were so blatant and obvious and sometimes for the most stupid reasons & things you don’t need to lie about.

4. They have very little or no empathy or remorse.  I talk about this in the video I filmed to go alongside this blog post, but it lead to a lot of arguments as they could never sympathise with something I was going to and always put down things I was upset about as to them, it wasn’t an issue. Saying this, I think they can definitely fake empathy (as they are so good to mould and lie).

5. Very narcissistic tendencies.  One of my exes truly believed that he was better than everybody else.  It’s so hard to explain how confident he was of himself and how he really looked down on a lot of other people because he believed he was truly better.  At times I really looked up to and felt inspired by his confidence but also at times I despised him for thinking himself above my friends and family.

6. Addictive Personality.  Now I’m not sure if this is a definitive trait of a sociopath but it was something both of my exes had in common.  They had very addictive personalities in that they became obsessed with something for months at a time before moving on to the next.

7. Manipulation & preyed on my weaknesses.  I was emotionally blackmailed in both relationships as they knew my weaknesses and how to prey on that to get things they wanted; wether it was money or for me to keep secrets from others.  I have an example of this which I talk about in this video here.

They knew how to make me feel sorry for them and often turned arguments around so that ultimately I’m the one apologising for something I was upset about and they play the victim.

8. Gaslighting.  I talked about this a lot in one of my latest blog posts here but I was really gaslighted by both of these two exes.  It was horrible and left me feeling so down about my self with no self confidence.

 

I also tried to sum up my thoughts with examples in video form, which you can also watch on my channel here now.

I really hope I don’t get any negativity for talking openly on this topic.  To drag this all up again has been really affecting my mood (much more than I realised it would).  I just wanted to take something horrible that I went to and put it to some good use in a way and potentially help some other people.  Please be kind!

Lots of love!

Katie

Photographs by Kaye Fordtography

20 Comments

  1. March 18, 2018 / 12:35 pm

    this must have been so hard to write Katie, you deserve much better lovely lady xx

  2. Georgie
    March 18, 2018 / 12:35 pm

    I also dated someone so similar to what you describe here, and he even lied about the smoking thing too!
    It’s not until I met someone ( my now husband!) that I even realised what a toxic relationship I was in beforehand. One day, when you are ready you will meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve and you will be amazed at how differently you feel!
    You are such an inspirational woman, I wish I had this post to read back when I was in that relationship!
    xxx

  3. March 18, 2018 / 12:39 pm

    You my dear are a brave lady!!

    I’ve been where you were. I even married him, and it took a long time for me to see the reason we just weren’t working. Its so easy for others to use the insecurities we have to make themselves feel better.

    I’ve just filed for divorce and I feel like myself again. It’s taken about 6 months to feel ok with who I am.

    Amy | www.amygetsfit.com

  4. March 18, 2018 / 12:42 pm

    You’re so brave for sharing this and raising awareness. I hope your next relationship will be everything you deserve <3

    http://www.thewhimsicalwildling.com/

  5. Olivia
    March 18, 2018 / 3:51 pm

    Thank you for writing this!

  6. Char
    March 18, 2018 / 6:32 pm

    Love this, Katie. And thank you. I went through exactly this with my ex-boyfriend. It’s been horrendous but a huge learning journey- particularly about myself. Thank you again. It’s been really hard dealing with it in a world where it’s not understood or recognised- so thank you again for this.

  7. Emily
    March 18, 2018 / 7:25 pm

    Kate you’re so brave for putting this up! I had no idea this was a thing that happened, lots of love to you and well done ❤️❤️

  8. Gemma Copping
    March 18, 2018 / 7:50 pm

    I can absolutely understand how you feel. I’m pretty sure that two of my long term boyfriend’s were the same.
    I want you to know that there is hope. Not all men are like this. I’m now five years into a relationship with a wonderful man who always puts me first, never treats me anything like the other two did.
    It’s hard and I don’t think you ever fully get over it. I came to realise that it was them and not me. I am worth more and I can have a healthy and balances relationship.
    Every person that shares their story is helping someone who is living it. Never be sorry.

  9. Stacey
    March 19, 2018 / 8:46 am

    Katie – Kia ora/Hello all the way from New Zealand! I felt compelled to comment on this (I’m normally far too nervous). Thank you so much for sharing this story. I can absolutely relate to how you felt in these relationships. Something that stands out the most to me is when these people hurt you and you end up apologising…you know at the time that it doesn’t seem right, but you do it anyway, because they make you doubt yourself and the legitimacy of your own thoughts and feelings.
    Also, IMHO whether or not these people were diagnosed is beside the point entitrely. If someone displays those characteristics, you’re entitled to your opinion about what that means.
    I have so much respect for you and the way you share yourself with the world. I can’t even expess how incredibly grateful I am to you for your blogs/vlogs/vids etc and I simply cannot wait to hear your stories/views/life updates every week! Keep being your awesome self!
    Take care 🙂
    PS I am sooo with you on totally digging being single right now! It’s amazing…almost too amazing haha 🙂

  10. Sophie
    March 19, 2018 / 10:37 pm

    Brilliant post and absolutely beautiful pictures. Love this content. xxxx

  11. Sophie
    March 19, 2018 / 10:37 pm

    Simply brilliant post and absolutely beautiful pictures. Love this content. xxxx

    • KatieSnooks
      March 21, 2018 / 11:44 am

      Thank you gorgeous xxxxx

  12. Elle
    March 22, 2018 / 9:11 am

    This is so brave for you to speak out about. Not sure if you’re in the right place for this yet but counselling can be so helpful for dealing with traumatic, abusive or difficult past relationships to help you to move on and heal. It definitely sounds like both these men had narcissistic personality disorders (absolute textbook) although I don’t think sociopath is the right term, especially as sociopaths are the opposite of charming – highly antisocial, impulse and often violent. Narcissists are just as damaging and abusive (I’ve had a traumatic relationship with a narcissist and am still healing from it – the instinct to not be yourself but instead be their perfect person and please them is hard to heal from).

  13. Liana Bruggemann
    March 22, 2018 / 6:54 pm

    Katie I just wanted to say that this was incredibly brave. I’ve followed your blog for years and I love your honesty! I agree with a previous comment that counseling might help you better understand these relationships and move past them to someone who deserves you. Also, it’s not at all strange to enjoy being single, in fact I think it’s absolutely necessary to enjoy being by yourself before you can be really happy in a relationship. Cheers!
    – Liana

  14. Ava
    March 25, 2018 / 3:55 pm

    Hey, I know exactly what you have gone through. I am trying to end a relationship with someone who I believe possesses the qualities of a sociopath/narcissist. We actually have been together for 8 years and I have known for at least 6 of those years that something is not right. I brushed these warning signs off as me overreacting, or because I didn’t want to end up alone.
    The major warning signs I had, very early on, was him always constructing a sob-story that led him to ask me for money… to “borrow” … but I was never paid back. I am extremely empathetic like yourself, so I found it very hard to say no. And the times I did, he would make me feel so bad for not giving him what he wanted and twisted it into me feeling like a bad person. Just recently he asked me for $150, even when I told him I was low on money, or else he was going to get fired from his job (apparently he had done something where he was able to take this money, but was close to being found out). I told him NO, and then he told me that it basically will be my fault if he gets fired then and he has no one else to help him.
    He also cheated on me very early on in the relationship, but told me it wasn’t what I thought it was and I didn’t know the whole story. He never really explained the “whole story”. He also blamed it on me not wanting to have sex early on in the relationship and him just assuming I was not interested. He never once brought up this issue to me and never wanted to discuss it. Fast forward a few years later, he wanted to break up with me. I had enough at that point and agreed that it was time to end it. Within a month he was dating someone else. Within a few months after that he was living with her, but was still talking to me and trying to get me to get back with him. I cautiously spent time with him and we met for coffee and dinner every now and again, and he would tell me he was no longer dating her. I found out that he was STILL DATING HER and she was LIVING WITH HIM.
    Anyways there is so much more to this story and I could write a novel. But thank you for posting this because I can relate so much. Best of luck to you.

  15. March 30, 2018 / 7:54 am

    You went through so much hardship and you are deserved good things. And I also want to give a hug to all the girls who suffered from the same situation in the comment, be gorgeous!

  16. May 10, 2018 / 7:00 pm

    Ugh, I seem to have a habit of dating narcissists and sociopaths. I feel for you.

  17. Bridget
    August 9, 2018 / 11:36 pm

    Hey where is the video?

    • KatieSnooks
      August 17, 2018 / 11:27 am

      A sociopath made me take it down… :/

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