I asked over on IG stories this week if anyone had anything they’d like me to film a video about and one particular message really jumped out at me. It read “How to let yourself be in love without 716278 self doubts”.
This immediately resonated with me as it’s something I really struggled with 6 months ago and thought it’d be good to share my story and my tips on how I got through it with you guys!
When I first met my boyfriend, G, I had a complete internal breakdown. It wasn’t something I showed online despite vlogging my life pretty much every day at the time, but I was truly a mess. This was the first guy that I fancied in ages and it scared me. Instead of letting myself enjoy the first months of dating and falling in love, I instead became a bit of a wreck and my mind and the internal dialogue in my head tried to sabotage me at any point it could. All I could express was a real anxious feeling of ‘doom’; I was 100% certain of the fact that it wouldn’t work and would obsess over little things that could possibly go wrong. I thought he’d meet someone else, that he’d get bored, that I wasn’t good enough and so on.
I think vulnerability and feeling scared is a big thing if you’ve been hurt in the past and it was something I was having to face for the first time since my last relationship ended. If you really think about it, falling for someone is almost like setting yourself up to potentially be hurt again and that is scary!
6 months on and I’m so much happier now. The best thing for me and for us as a couple was 100% communication. I expressed all of these fears with my partner and I was lucky enough that he was supportive, understanding and helped me through them (without even realising). I’m aware that perhaps not all men will be able to handle this in the same way (without potentially taking it personally), and I also didn’t want to thrust all of my issues onto mine, so I started also going to my mum or friends when really panicking who could talk me out of things. Hearing someone else’s perspective really helped me realise I was fixating on nothing and that my self doubts were in fact ridiculous.
It also helped me to think about the fact that in the past I have got over every relationship and I’m still here, I can still laugh and I can totally do it again. It’s also important to remember that this person is someone new, they aren’t the ones who hurt you or broke your heart and they deserve a chance without the judgement of your exes on their shoulders. Give them a chance and don’t blame them for the mistakes of your old loves.
I also think positive thinking is really important. I started thinking more about the fact I was ruining perhaps the happiest, loveliest part of our relationship for absolutely no reason, so there’s no point… if anything, I was going to ruin it myself and drive him away. I realised there was no point worrying about the future or things that may have happened in the past because that doesn’t matter, what matters now is most important.
Here are some of my top tips for dealing with self doubt when you’re feeling super anxious!
- When you feel an anxiety, self doubt or negative thoughts bubbling up, don’t let them get out of control and don’t ruminate on them. Instead, acknowledge they’re there and tell yourself no; stop. Try to take your mind off them and focus on other things.
- Talk to others – they can give you new perspective and talk you out of the distorted things in your head. That’s what family and friends are for!
- Perhaps my favourite tip – don’t compare yourself to others. This is very hard but try instead comparing yourself to yourself. See how much you’ve grown, overcome and focus on succeeding and growing more in the future.
- Get a worry diary. Keep it next to your bed or in your handbag and whenever a worry comes along write it down and then forget about it. There’s something really soothing about writing worries down and this has really helped me in the past.
- Remember that sometimes what people say or do isn’t about you – you don’t know what’s actually going on in someones life so try not to take every thing personally. A date may have cancelled for another reason than just not wanting to see you again!
- I find podcasts to be really helpful with positive thinking and keeping me motivated and distracted that internal dialogue I have sometimes. I’ve linked some of my favourite inspiring ones in the description box to the video that goes along with this post!
- Try and work out why you’re feeling that way. Understanding why you might be feeling these things may make you realise that it’s something that happened in the past that is actually affecting your mood, not your current partner or situation!
- If you’re being taken advantage of or if your partner is not respecting you, then simply leave that relationship. You don’t deserve more hurt.
- Know that it takes time to get over fear! You will get there but don’t feel frustrating if you’re not over things straight away!
I really hope this has helped you guys in some way. After 6 months of dating and communicating with my partner I’m now super happy. If I ever have self doubts I’ll talk myself out of them or talk to him about it.
I filmed a video to go alongside this post where I give some more examples of how this has affected my relationship so if you’d like to see that, you can watch it here!
Love you guys lots.
Do you have any tips on getting over self doubts with new loves?
Pictures by Kaye Fordtography.
Underwear gifted from Burnt Jasmine. Obsessed with the high waisted knickers and the silver speckled detailing! They’re super comfortable too and make me feel super sexy!