I wanted to talk to you today about one of the biggest issues I’ve encountered personally with dating over the past two years… the question of whether attraction and chemistry should be instant when you start dating someone new (as an adult)… or can it come with time for you to really start having those feelings for someone else?
I remember as a teenager I’d very easily ‘fall’ for people. I had butterflies regularly for different boys all the time, and I never ran out of people to fancy or ‘click’ with. When dating in my early/mid twenties after my first long relationship ended, it began to feel slightly different – but, I’d still go on dates, fancied and (admittedly!) snogged many of them, and still regularly found people I really felt I ‘matched’ with.
But now… my gosh! Now I feel like falling in love could potentially be one of the hardest things in the world! It’s not that I haven’t been meeting and dating really lovely people, it’s just that I have a real difficult time feeling anything more than just friendship towards them. There have been zero butterflies, a feeling of forced or faked chemistry and a real lack of excitement from my side. Not only haven’t I fancied anyone or hardly wanted to kiss them, I’ve also not felt a hint of ‘they could be the one’, or ‘I’d love to introduce them to my friends’, or ‘I want to date you again immediately’…
I have regular conversations with my mum and my besties about whether love at first sight exists, or does this magical state of mutual attraction simply just take a lot of time, effort and getting to know each other before you start falling for someone? I guess my main question is – Does chemistry grow or should it be there from the beginning?
Obviously I recognise that a lot of this probably stems from the fact that I’m a lot more wary nowadays. I definitely find it harder to immediately trust people (thanks ex) and I’m generally very suspicious of people’s motives and intentions (thanks again, you total dick), so perhaps I have my barriers up more than I used to.
I was honestly getting a little worried about the fact that I’d really have to work hard for the foreseeable on new relationships (on both myself, and on any ‘us’) before that lovely feeling of butterflies, excitement and all the nerves that fancying someone new can bring. I’ve felt really disheartened that I’d never find someone again that I would have an immediate spark and chemistry with. I know fairy tales aren’t real and love stories aren’t always as perfect as the books I’ve read and films I’ve watched, but I do want to meet someone and feel giddy, like there’s no one else in the entire world but us…
Well guys, I have to tell you I went on a date recently that changed everything. I fell asleep that evening with a big old smile on my face and awoke with butterflies and excitement the next morning! Now, I’m not saying he’s ‘the one’, or that we’re even right for each other, but now I’m absolutely sure that I don’t want to settle for anything less than this feeling I have right now – vulnerable, frustrated that I can’t think about anything else, euphoric and absolutely passionate about what the future could bring…
What I’m trying to say is, I think I just hadn’t met the right person yet.
Katie x
so happy you have got that feeling back Katie!! your happiness comes first and I’m so glad that you are feeling that ‘love at first sight’ feeling that you get when you really do like someone and can’t get them out of your head!! Sending tons of positive energy, happiness and love xx
Personally, I think that the ‘love at first sight’ feelings are ultimately selfish. Not wrong, or bad! But rooted more in excitement and the enjoyment of the feelings of infatuation or validation. They are nice feelings, but they’re still feelings that are more about ourselves than they are about the other person.
I had some relationships when I was younger that were firmly rooted in infatuation and butterflies and they were often full of drama and anguish, because what I wanted from the relationship was (though I didn’t know it at the time) to feel wanted and good about myself, so when they wouldn’t stick to the script I took it as a personal slight on my self worth. It took me a long time to grow out of that (and a couple of dickish exes as well, so I feel you) When I eventually met my partner there was the infatuation, but as the constant-oxytocin-high wore off (as it always does after a year or so) there was still a desire to nourish and build our relationship because we had grown together in a way that meant we were invested in who we each were as people and as a couple, not just in how we made the other feel about themselves, if that makes sense? There’s no drama or real conflict because there’s a balance between accepting each other for who we are, and pushing each other to be the best that we can be. I’m more invested in him feeling good than him making me feel good, and it’s the same going the other way.
I think infatuation is useful at the beginning of a relationship, it’s a good marker for going “this person sparks something that makes me feel happy and connected”, but the dizzying highs of instant chemistry don’t always mean that the relationship will be easy, or even work out long term. Ultimately it’s about deciding whether you are in love with the person, or just in love with how they make you feel.
Isabelle, I’m absolutely with you on this opinion (wrote my own reply to this post)
Honestly,I’ve never believed in love at first sight.My husband and I kissed for the 1st time during a game of Truth or Dare (I was 22 and he was 27).I had a crush on someone else at that time and absolutely hated every second of that kiss.
Fast forward to about 5 months later and he and I hooked up after a bit of a night out and had the most amazing kiss!After that it took me about 4 more months to fall in love.But from there,I was hooked.
On November 10th,we will have been together for 13 years and married 6 of them.Sometimes the best things take the longest to come.
Well THAT’S a story <3
I definitely believe in love at first site and those butterfly feelings should be a signifier as to if the person is right for you. I think it’s important to remember that it’s okay to fancy someone but not have a spark with them – that’s how most dating works! I’m so glad you’ve got butterflies again, and I really hope it works out for you! Xx
Hi! When I met my boyfriend, I didn’t really feel butterflies or anything like that. I remember I thought he has nice eyes but he wasn’t my type. We kept in touch on Facebook (he’s from a different country) and we would talk every day, then Skype and finally he started visiting me in my city.
What I want to say is – you don’t always feel the butterflies or notice the sexy things in others immediately. I couldn’t imagine a day without talking to him and I loved our travels together. My butterflies started after 2 months of our friendship. Now we are together for more than 2years and its going very well. Also it’s worth remembering that usually we find things when we stop looking for them. 😉
Good luck for you! You seem a really good person, you’re funny and beautiful so I wouldn’t worry about finding someone 🙂
I don’t think I belive in love at first sight. You can have chemistry when you first meet someone but that isn’t the same as love. I can honestly say that I wasn’t romantically attracted to my husband when we met. We got on well, but I wasn’t looking for a relationship and we met at work which I guess makes it different-you don’t necessarily think of your colleagues as potential boyfriends or at least I didn’t. I left that job to go back to uni and we carried on meeting up as friends. It was only as I got to know him properly that I started to fancy him and he was quite nervous about getting into a relationship after being cheated on by his ex fiance. I’d known him over a year before we kissed! It still felt exciting because even though I’d got to know him as a person, I was getting to know him in a different way if that makes any sense. We’ve now been together for 10 years and married for 5. Just goes to show that sometimes it’s not all about instant attraction.
I felt myself reading this and found myself relating hugely. I was heartbroken a few years ago – threw myself back into it with online dating. But, I never was overly interested. I never felt the butterflies, never wanted to kiss them or necessarily see them again. Never felt any attraction – not for anyone really. Never more than friendship. Just as I decided that a break would be good as I finally felt I didn’t hate being single I decided to go on one last date. It was completely unexpected as I was so immediately attracted to this date within seconds of meeting, something clicked and felt right. We have been together six months now, I’m not saying he is the one but what we have is incredible and I can’t imagine life without him. I’m so glad I didn’t settle as I nearly did so many times for fear of being alone. Those euphoric feelings are amazing and are to be treasured. Good luck Katie, you are wonderful – you deserve someone equally as so xx
I had two single years between my serious ex boyfriend and meeting my now husband. I went on some awful dates and started to feel quite anxious that I wouldn’t ever meet anyone I clicked with again. I can’t even put into words some of the bad dates i went on. A couple of them were SO bad yet the guy wanted to meet up again and I started thinking maybe I was being too fussy. I was ok being single but I knew I wanted another long term relationship at some point. As you know, when it’s right it’s right. You stop over thinking everything. I’ve been with my husband 7 years and I still look forward to him coming home every day.
Enjoy what you’re feeling now. Sounds like you’ve got a great attitude towards relationships. I will however miss you Dates With Kate videos!
I believe in love at first sight! When I first met my husband… I was like oooh who’s this handsome devil. But we were friends for a good while before we became official.
Zoey Olivia | www.zoeyolivia.com
Yesssss Katie!!! I totally agree. I haven’t wanted to even go on Tinder dates and meet new people because it’s just disheartening and exhausting when you’re trying to find someone you click with and it’s just not happening! You start to wonder if it’s worth the bother, or if it will ever happen for you again. I’m so happy you found SOMETHING worthwhile from dating! You’re giving me hope + motivation to keep putting myself out there!
This post resonates more than you’ll know. Thanks for the hope and excited for your butterflies
I don’t believe in love at first sight. Not one bit. Attraction, lust, interest, yes. Butterflies don’t mean you’re in love, it means that you’re having a reaction to something in someone. It doesn’t mean that person is right for you. If you marry after a few months and you’re happy and it lasts for the rest of your life, it still doesn’t mean that it’s love at first sight, for me. True love needs trust and loyalty for example and you can’t gauge that from the first few minutes. Thoughts from a demisexual
Ash Katie I’m so pleased for you. Personally, I do believe in love at first sight. When I met my husband I knew immediately I’d found the man I was going to marry. I’ve had exes where I really fancied them but knew it was a limited time kinda thing. I got burnt and tried the whole personality over looks and getting the butterflies feeling and still knowing deep down that I’d never marry the guy. Gosh, I even had a baby with that guy but I think the problem was that deep down I didn’t properly love. I think i thought i was so unlovable so I couldn’t actually love. When I had my daughter, I experienced real genuine unconditional love for the first time and realised I wasnt in love with him like I was with her. I left and all I genuinely was bothered about was my baby. I actually didn’t even care if I never met anyone else ever and it was just me and her forever. In that time I accepted myself, and my daughter loved me back and that’s all I cared about. Not long after a guy I had met once and I thought was fit asked me out. It took another 6 weeks to actually go on the date and he wooed me. I was meant to ring him back but life got in the way but he was in the back of my mind. He found me on Facebook and we started chatting. We had long phone chats and by the time it came to go on the date I was really hoping I’d still fancy him and remember what he looked like. Turned out I really fancied him. 11 years and 2 more babies later, I still fancy him. I still get butterflies if he’s away from me for work or whatever. He drives me crazy sometimes and we’ve had our fare share of dingdongs and is it worth it moments. But I think I always knew he was the one. I also lnow i couldnt go through all weve been through with anyone else. We’ve had hard times financially lately, but in hard times we’ve become real best friends. I fancy my husband more than ever and our ‘us’ time has never been more amazing even with 3 kids. Don’t ever settle Katie. People are different but if that’s what you want, please don’t settle for any less.xxx
When I was 13 years old, I told myself I would marry a man with blue eyes and black hair. Then, when I was 16, I met my future husband. He looked exactly like what I imagined I’d marry. I knew instantly he was the one. We were married right out of high school, and I was left a true believer in love at first sight. We were married 10 miserable years. He cheated on me the entire time, and I was left heartbroken.
At 28, I met a man through a friend, whose first impression left little to be desired. He was attractive, sure, but boring and there wasnt any real spark. I wanted someone more exciting. 9 months later we started dating. It was a slow boil. One that took time and compromise.
We’ve been together 4 years now. Every day I find him more desirable. Every day I fall in love. He’s not the man of my 13 year old dream, and that’s ok. He’s real. He’s kind. He’s loyal. I no longer believe in love at first sight or the one. Happiness takes two people willing to work at it every day.
Katie, I have been keeping up with you for the past couple of years and reading/seeing how happy you are right not has put a massive smile on my face!
I don’t know if I believe in love at first sight, my relationship definitely didn’t start that was but I know some people who’s relationships have worked like that! My mum’s friend has been married to her husband over 20 year, she was in year 7 when a new boy started in year 9. The first day she saw him she decided he was the man she was going to marry! Over 20 years later they are still utterly in love and they’ve never been with anybody else!
Myself and my fiancé have been together for 7 years now. We’ve known each other since we were 11 and when we were 15 he told me he liked me as more than a friend. This utterly freaked me out as I didn’t see him as any more than one of my best friends and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Six months later (of us both trying to ignore the fact he fancied me) it all changed. We always sat next to each other in the common room and one day he spontaneously held my hand. My stomach flipped as though there were thousands of butterflies in there and I was completely shocked, I couldn’t work out why! That evening we spoke about it and I said “let’s try it then, if it doesn’t work out we’ll forget it because I couldn’t imagine losing you as a friend.” The next day I went up to him and he said “I don’t actually have to ask you (out) do I?” I said no and then walked to class. 7 years later and I am still completely and utterly in love with my best friend. He proposed to me under the Northern Lights in Iceland as a surprise for my 21st birthday present, we bought our first house a year ago today, we have the most beautiful little baby! (….puppy…) and we have just booked our wedding for August 2020. I always think how things could have been different if he hadn’t have held my hand that day. I’m really glad he did!
Lots of love x