One of the most frequently asked questions I get these days from family and friends is “How’s your love life/are you dating anyone yet?” (or in the case of my grandparent’s “are you courting yet Katie?…well why not? Time’s running out!”). These questions, paired with the hint of pity and sympathy on my loved ones faces makes me want to hysterically laugh and shake them at the same time whilst screaming “I LOVE BEING SINGLE AND I DON’T NEED A MAN TO MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY OR COMPLETE”!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love talking about my dates & telling the stories I’ve accumulated over the past year of being single, but there’s a part of me which wants to feel more than just my dating stories or my (currently nonexistent) quest for a man to fall in love with. I think it boils down to the fact that I honestly feel that people feel sorry for me because I am single.
I wanted to write about my reasons of why I absolutely love being single and why I have no desire for a prominent other in my life right now, because the more I think about it, the more unattractive a relationship for me becomes.
1. I know this sounds incredibly selfish, but I’ve come to realise that my time is so important I simply do not want to give it up for anybody else! Currently, even the thought of giving up an evening to make small talk & learn about somebody new gives me the ‘ick’. I know this sounds so terrible but I can’t help that right now myself, my loved ones, my work and my time are the things most important to me.
2. Just as selfish (I really hope I don’t sound like a terrible person for being this honest) but I really can’t deal with anybody else’s issues or dramas right now. My last relationship taught me that dealing with somebody else’s shit is exhausting and I really don’t have the mental capacity to try and take that on at the moment. Like I said, myself & my mental wellbeing is currently priority. In 2017 I cut short two potential relationships, one with a man I really, really liked (and fancied, a rarity as you’ll soon read) because I knew that in the long term his own dramas would bring me down and I didn’t want to have to deal with them. I can’t be a mother and carer for my life partner – something one of my best friends has been trying to teach me for years but only now do I realise this is not healthy in relationships.
3. Now this is going to sound bizarre, but for the last few months I have been looking at men and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have no desire, attraction or even the hint of any feelings for the opposite sex. This confuses me as I would really like someone to get intimate with (no strings etc) but I am not physically or emotionally attracted to a soul. I even look at some men and feel disgust – not because of their looks, but because I compare something about them (mannerisms, actions) to previous men in my life and so I’ve entered a dangerous mindset of thinking all men are the same, so there’s no point. I’m sure these feelings will disappear at some point, but for now I’d much rather be single!
4. I am a worrier. I worry about everything and when in relationships this tends to double as I feel like I have someone else then to worry about (talking seriously now, I think I do need to get some sort of therapy for this as it’s not healthy and really spirals out of control). So my fourth reason for loving being single is because it has been SO refreshing for me not to worry about anyone but myself (after 4 years of worrying for and about someone else). I look at other couples and see some friends worrying about their partners and inside I secretly thank god that I don’t have to go through that anymore.
5. Finally, I’m really enjoying the fact that I can do whatever I want. I used to be that person who rushed home from an evening out to cook dinner for my partner because I wanted to make them happy (I realise now this is unhealthy). I am really appreciating now more than ever that I don’t have anyone to rush home for (apart from my hamster who definitely understands) and I can literally do what I like; I can take the long route home to get more fresh air without anyone waiting on me for dinner, I can go out for impromtu drinks & dinner with my friends without worrying if my partner will be annoyed that I’ve changed my plans. It’s the little things like this that I don’t want to give up (but saying that, I wouldn’t give this up if I got into a relationship in the future).
I do hope my honesty in this post doesn’t come across as selfish and ‘up myself’. I think it’s become clear from writing this that some of my relationships in the past have been a bit unhealthy – but they’ve definitely taught me what I do (and don’t) want from future relationships going forward.
I was telling these points to a friend over dinner a couple of weeks ago; she has been single for a really long time and has longed for a relationship for years, but she said after hearing these points it was a breath of fresh air – love and relationships are great but it’s not all flowers and rainbows and it’s good to remind eachother of that when feeling lonely.
I hope this has been relatable in some way to all you beautiful, happily single people out there!
Lots of love,
Katie xx
PS These pictures were taken by the wonderful Mark Cant as a L’Oreal event recently – obsessed with the neon, strobe lighting, it made me feel super confident.
I love the honesty in this post, Katie! I’ve had the same questions and friends wanting to find me a partner for years but recently I have realised that I actually don’t want this right now (some day yes of course!) because of the current life situation I’m in. In my case, I don’t know what will happen in the nearer future so I wouldn’t want to worry what would then happen to a partner if I started something now (referring to career and potentially moving somewhere else rather soon). Also, I don’t find thinking of yourself first selfish at all, it’s what it should be like, and I suppose it makes one a more content and self-assured person for someone to be with in the future as well. All the best! xx
I recently split up with my boyfriend due to him putting pressure on me and me having to mother him due to his ongoing mental health issues and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore! I completely agree with all your reasons for loving to be single, it’s so nice to just focus on yourself and I feel like I have absolutely no responsibilities and can do whatever I want, I love being single and having my own time and not have to worry about anyone else and it’s not selfish whatsoever, everyone needs ‘me time’! Love this blog post Katie it made me realise I’m not the only one who feels like this xx
These reasons aren’t selfish at all. I think there’s a difference between putting yourself first and being selfish. Good on you for putting you and your mental health first! I’m so glad you realise now that parts of your past relationships were unhealthy too, you know what unhealthy looks like now. I’m in a long-term relationship but I’m so pleased you posted this, it’s so important to take care of yourself first and more people need to take time to do it. Well done Katie x
I’ve just turned 30 last month and told myself that if I wasn’t in a committed relationship that I would put it on the back burner, mostly for the reasons that you’ve listed; I kind of don’t want to deal with anyone’s shit and I enjoy do whatever I want. And, I’ve actually come to realize that I don’t like affection all that much, which happens to be one of the main components of a relationship.
I totally respect your honesty in this post! x
Michelle
dressingwithstyle-s.com
There is nothing selfish about recognising your own needs and honouring them is not impacting anyone else. I understand where you are coming from, I have been single for a couple of years and am loving it.
I am sad to hear that Georgia little Echo is poorly.
Wishing you all the best.
I’ve been asking myself a question for a pretty long time now: when was the last time you were in love? I mean really in love. I don’t remember last time when I felt butterflies in my stomach or when I was smiling waking up in the morning just because there was a possibility I’m gonna SEE this one particular PERSON.
Now – I’m bored with lame dudes, lame pickup lines, with their no plans for the future, no ambitions (except this one to stick their d**** in as many holes as possible).
Thank you, I’d rather read a book, or go to the gym, or stare at the bloody ceiling.
Author
I bloody LOVE this comment. So true. xxxx
Thank god im not the only one! I’ve been single for 2 years and I love it! Got to say, what you said about not even being interested in any men, I thought I was a bit weird for feeling like that so I’m relieved to hear someone else has that too.
I’m nearly 38, I’ve had really bad past relationships and I would rather be on my own than in another toxic relationship. Although, I do think that past bad relationships have made me doubt I’ll ever find a healthy and happy one… But I’m not worried about that right now.
I’m sure at some point I’ll find a decent guy but right now that’s at the bottom of my priority list. I’m happy doing what I want to do, when I want to do it.
When I finally do get into a relationship it won’t be because I need a man to make me happy, it will be because I’m happy and I’m ready to share that with another person x
I have been in a relationship for 12 years and married 5 and even I can appreciate the ways in which being single can be amazing!
I’ve been working away from home for 6 months and even though I miss my husband (and even more so, our pets 😉 I also really like going to sleep whenever and for as long as I want, making only the foods I love and watching all my horror shows and movies,since hubby is a bit scared of them.
Don’t stress when people go on about you finding love and a relationship,the same goes for when you do have a relationship,they will start wondering when you’ll have kids.It’s just never ending.Just do you and whatever makes you happy 🙂
I’m loving being single at the moment!
This is the most relatable post I’ve read for a while, I’m in the same boat all the questions from friends and family, I even went on a few dates towards the end of last year thinking I was ready and it was what I wanted, it wasnt and for my own mental health decided to delete tinder. I’m so much happier away from the dating scene, being selfish and not focusing on another person but looking after myself, next time a family member asks me why I’m not with anyone, I’m showing them this very post.
Thank you for sharing, it’s nice knowing that it’s not just me that feels this way.
Emma x
emmarollason.com
Fantastically honest post! I do envy you as I worry lots (unnecessarily) about my relationship with my boyfriend as I’m a worrier too. It can be exhausting!
I love everything about being single. Sadly I’m stuck in a dead end relationship (massively complicated) and have no way out yet.
Every relationship I have just drums into me that they are not for me. I like to fly by the seat of my pants alone, rather than feel like someone’s mum/carer. Also I get really fat when I have a boyfriend and that just kills my sexytime mojo. Roll on being single, skinny and sexy again
You look amazing! Thank you for sharing the post! It’s okay for being selfish. There are not many people ask me about my relationship because I don’t have many friends and most of them are also single 🙂 I love my single life, I spend time for my friends, my family, my cat and myself. The only problem is I have to prepare the answers about my relationship status from the neighborhood and my parents’s friends 🙂
My last relationship ended about 7 years ago.
Hi Katie & other commenters
It’s so nice to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
My mental health is worse when I’m dating and in a relationship to be honest, so having a break from dating. I know there are decent men out there and I’d like to meet one someday but I’m also ok as I am and can’t be arsed to put myself out there to be treated like crap.
Perhaps we could have a singles meet up haha x
Love this blog post, could have written it myself haha. Every point you made pretty much applies to me too 🙂 I get people tell me I need to find a nice man and I’m like nope, no thank you, don’t want anyone lol.
Love these photos, you look amazing. But I totally agree with being able to be the single priority in your life when you aren’t dating. It isn’t selfish. Amen to the single life.
Love this blog post, could have written it myself haha. Every point you made pretty much applies to me too I get people tell me I need to find a nice man and I’m like nope, no thank you, don’t want anyone lol.