My life as I knew it recently fell apart.
My life with the man I truly believed I would marry, have children and grow old with, ended, and it hurt. It hurt so much I almost didn’t believe it was real. It hurt so much there were days that I wished I could just sleep through because I didn’t want to feel the pain.
But it was partly my decision.
I’ve written, erased and re-written this post countless times. I’m unsure of how much or how little to say and I’m not even sure it’s worth putting online. But this blog has been my solace for 7 years now and writing my thoughts and feelings down always helps to ease the ache (if only for a while).
It’s been just over a month since my relationship ended and a week since I emailed my vendors to cancel my wedding. The wedding we had been planning and saving for for over a year and a half.
Our wedding invites arrived printed the day I decided enough was enough and the day he decided that what we had wasn’t worth fighting for.
So after weeks of analysing the past, crying at the slightest reminder/memory and worrying about the future, I realise now, looking back (oh, the beauty of hindsight) that I had been having doubts for well over a year. Something didn’t feel right, and for a long time I couldn’t shake the sense of (what I like to call) ‘doom’, that haunted me.
I am heartbroken and to admit my relationship ended.
I could feel embarrassed – but truthfully, I am not.
I am not embarrassed to have left a situation that was dragging me down. Nor am I embarrassed to have stood up for my thoughts and feelings and to have listened to my heart and my gut instinct.
Instead I feel brave. I feel like I have gone through the most challenging time of my life to date and, I’m still here. My heart is still beating, I can still smile, I can still laugh, I can still feel beautiful and I can live through this.
It’s true what they say, every day get’s easier. That’s not to say I don’t still get down days. Every time I think I’m getting over it, a thought or a memory will pop into my head, or a song will come on and that’s it, I’m low again, but I’m holding on for the thought of the future. The thought of finding my one dear true love and to the happiness I have to come.
So this is the start of a new chapter of my life.
A best friend of mine (one of my would-be bridesmaids in fact) said something last night which (although devastating to think about) has really helped me evaluate things in my head.
“From day 1, when you met him, your relationship was only ever meant to exist until now. It was only ever meant to be a small chapter in your life, before the real long chapters begin. There was nothing you could have done, nor did you make a mistake embarking on it in the first place – but it was a small, fun chapter with many memories, and that’s all it was ever meant to be”.
I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, but when something like this happens it’s hard to stick by that. But I want this post to comfort people going through the same thing. As I said in this video, I don’t want a pity party.
I want girls to feel empowered, strong and in charge of their own lives, relationships and happiness. If something isn’t making you happy, leave it. Nothing can fix a broken situation, not a wedding and not a child. You have one chance at this life, embrace it and regret nothing and no matter how difficult and hard things may seem, they have a way of working themselves out and making it better.
I am strong and I am brave and I am a woman who deserves the best.
Photographs by the absolutely incredible Alexandra Cameron. Contact her here to work with her.
Your beautiful don't let this stop you from finding the life you wish for don't ever give up on your self your an making person and you will find the love of your life there out there for all of us good luck and stay happy
I keep coming back to this. I have been in a horrifically controlling relationship for the past 4 years. I love him, but as the years went on he only got more and more possessive. I can’t post selfies, I can’t see my friends, I just only have him and that’s it. For a while I thought this was normal and I know now how bad and unhealthy it is. I want to warn girls just me who are young and naive that you deserve more than this. You deserve to be treat like an individual and enjoy life as you always had as a single woman but still yet faithful to your partner. Don’t let him control you!
Congratulations on being strong and look at future with a positive attitude. The pictures captured your bravery very well. The best will come!
I too recently broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. It was, like you, partly my decision. I have been okay so far (it ended late November) however lately ive been feeling low. I think it's more loneliness though. I feel so alone, I don't do much as my friends are all coupled off and busy. Your friends comment has made me feel a little better.
Great post, you are a stong beautiful woman! Xx
As someone going through a similar situation, this post made me a little teary. However it's also a comfort to know others are going through a similar situation. Your friends are right, and you were very brave & I hope things continue to get easier for you x
You should feel brave Katie – you've done one of the hardest things you could have ever done. You could of went through life just going through with things that your heart wasn't 100% in. I wish you all the best and no doubt that you will find someone that will love you until the end of time. Always follow your heart.
Cyber Mermaids | Alternative beauty, fashion and lifestyle blog
You're so brave Katie, really in awe of you and how you've carried yourself, you should be so proud! Can't imagine what you've been going through and am sending all of my love and well wishes your way – hope the future brings you nothing but happiness! Hugs x
Sending you all the love. Stay strong and embrace the new chapter!
Fatima x www.fatima-writes.blogspot.co.uk
You are strong and you are brave and you really do deserve the best. It was incredibly brave and strong of you to share this post. I think often it's all too easy to stick with what we know rather than anything else. I wish you all the best in the future and I really hope your heart starts to heal and you can look towards the new chapters in your life that are going to be so much bigger and better!
Eilidh || http://herprettystateofmind.blogspot.co.uk/
You absolutely are! You're right you should feel very brave and empowered by it, it's a very hard thing to come to terms with and I hope you feel some relief at knowing you're ready for something even better – you deserve it and should hold out for the absolute best!
I hope you continue to feel better each day and embrace what's next to come in your life!
JosieVictoriaa // Fashion, Travel & Lifestyle
I have no words that could ever really help, but I hope talking it through on here helps.
It's bloody shit, it's so crap, but you know you've done this for the best reason and you will get over it, you will move on and be even more amazing and wonderful! Life is crap some times, but this was meant to happen, now it's time to work on that next chapter and be awesome! xx
Love From, Steph & The Spaniels
Wow what your friend said is amazing, and so true. What a lovely way to think of things. Pleased to hear that you are holding strong my lovely xx
Frances Kayleigh | Beauty Fashion Lifestyle
I love what your friend said. Words to rememeber about lots of things in life, not just the end of an important relationship. Good luck with the next chapter of your life. I'm looking forward to reading all about it!
PS Those photos are stunning! xx
Well done on being brave and taking that huge step to end a relationship! I was in a 10 year relationship and married for 3 of them and walked away after knowing for years probably that the relationship was long gone. It was the best thing I'd done and instantly felt like I'd sprouted a pair of wings! It was hard but the best feeling ever! Now I know what a relationship should be like and how a partnership should work!
I'm sure the future holds exciting new adventures for you! ☺
Hi Katie, I've followed your blog for years, and it's been a source of comfort and inspiration through good and bad times! I found your blog when I was going through my first break up, and now years later I'm in a completely different (and much better) place in my life. Trust your instincts, and just know it was the right decision for both of you, and I wish you all the best. – Liana
You are a strong woman, and brave! I myself just moved out and got seperated after been married for 7 years, we have 3 kids together. For me the relationship has been a very important part of my life, but after being miserable for over a year, I had to realise that loving someone isn't always enough. I wish you the best.
I know how hard this post must of been to write, so absolute kudos to you! I think your message is a really important one to get across as well. Women (and men) should never be ashamed to do what makes them happy.
Nicky Zeeb xx
p.s. you look absolutely amazing in these photos!!!
I've never read your blog before but I'm come across this post and it's beautiful. I know the content is painful for you right now, and I'm so sorry for what you're going through, yet I also admire your courage and bravery. You are clearly an amazing woman xxx
Sam // What I Know Now
Oh no! Did not see that coming. Breaking up is always hard, but I can't imagine what it's like if you're already engaged… Looks like you're staying very strong through it all though and you're owning it. Sending you lots of good vibes.
These photos are incredible
Candice | Beauty Candy Loves
Your best friend is right! Focus solely on your well-being. The sadness is a stage that I believe you have to go through. You will find your bliss in yourself soon, and it will 100% be enough. *hug*
Love this! You are so strong to right about something that hurts so much, well done 🙂
Someone I know always says that just because the final note of a concerto is off, it doesn't mean the entire piece was not enjoyable. That is a good attitude to hold onto! That being said, I hope you get… better soon, I suppose.
What a brave woman you are Katie, and to share it all online too is amazing! You go girl xxx
For such a little lady you surely are a whole lot of power, heart and woman! I got choo girl, the best is yet to come! Love you little snookalook! X
You did the right thing for yourself, and I'm so glad you did it before going through with the wedding. I had a good friend separate less than a year after her wedding, and it was awful. The situation caused a huge rift in her family (due to the nature of why they divorced …) and I told her that I wished she had said something to me before the wedding, even the morning of, and we would've figured it out and not put everyone through what happened.
I've always believed that most relationships aren't meant to last, there's a natural ending that will come. Take time for yourself to heal and then let yourself be open again to the possibility of meeting someone new. This relationship has been life experience and prepared you for the next.
This was absolutely heartbreaking but at the same time empowering to read! and beautiful. Your friend was absolutely right and I wish you all the best darling ♥ stay brave and don't forget you are not alone. And thank you for sharing this part of your life with us ♥
Hi Katie, I'm a new reader of your blog.
2016 was the worst year of my entire life. I watched my little dog Billy who I loved more than anything get run over outside my house. I had a nervous breakdown and I am only just getting over it almost a year later. What I can say is that I am starting to feel happiness again and even though its hard to accept life without him I am making new memories and moving on. I am sure that this will happen for you too in time (although I'm not comparing Andrew to a dog 🙂
You are a beautiful, young woman and someone is out there right now for you who you will hopefully spend the rest of your life with.
Hey, I never leave comments on anything but often read your posts or watch you videos and i just felt like i had to say something this time! you look so so beautiful in your photos!! but don't worry about the future i'm sure it'll all work out for the best!! x
This is a similar situation to mine and also ongoing. I also have a wedding to cancel, but the difference in my situation is I'm pregnant and even though it's not worked out between us those differences need to be put aside for her sake. Time is a great healer and that's all we've got, time, and I hope you allow yourself the time to heal. It hurts a lot and I'm genuinely heartbroken, but sometimes you've got to see the bigger picture and put your own happiness first, especially if it keeps tearing you down.x
This is so right – so many people put bloggers on a pedestal and imagine that nothing bad could happen to them so thank you for opening up about this. I hope you're healing.
I went through this almost two years ago this February and I almost stopped blogging completely. My life changed tremendously as a result and it was one of the most painful moments of my life. It was such a learning experience. You are definitely strong, it takes a lot of bravery to break the cycle and step out of the comfort zone. We should always strive for the best and never sell ourselves short. I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors and projects. Lots of love,
These pictures are stunning! Go out and find some new adventures! xx
I'm going through the same thing we broke up in july after 3 years but he was my best friend for 6-7 years before that. Since the break up he has cut me out like im nothing to him. I havent spoken to him since Christmas day and it was my birthday a few weeks ago he didnt even contact me then which is the most ridiculous thing he has done. I keep taking things day by day just a memory pops up and i just cry we was engaged but we never made plans for the wedding i didnt even look for my wedding dress.. so it says it all really. I hate feeling alone but i am as i lost my best friend x
You're so strong Katie, and you're gonna get through this – also you look absolutely beautiful in these photographs! Keep staying strong, and I'm sure 2017 holds great things for you!
Lucy | Forever September
Oh Katie, thank you. Thank you for writing this post, it is exactly what I needed to hear. I left my fiancé on the 9th December, and in the back of my mind I know it was the right thing to do, but, like you say, it still hurts like hell. And some days I just think it would be easier to just go back and pretend everything's ok because that would end this pain. But it won't will it? It'll only be a temporary plaster over a very large wound, that would just continue to break me down over the years. We can do this. Thank you again lovely, stay strong xxx
You're so brave. I did a similar thing and it is so hard to make the decision to leave, but I'm glad you've done the right thing. It is so freeing even if it is really really sad. Now onto bigger and better things, you'll be so great this year even if you have the odd tear and cry, you're gonna rock this year. x
This was so lovely to read, especially your friends words of wisdom. Everything will be ok (From another Katie) xx
Oh Katie I feel for you! You seem to have the right people around you though to pick you up <3
Imagine that when you meet the right man that you would still be with the one that's not for you?
That would be devastating but now you have the time to make yourself the best you can be for the right one. Embellish every moment to feel like your own princess. To Treat yourself like one. One day when you're busy being happy someone will catch your eye, smile and never let you go.
It's so good that now is the time you're with no one and you're free as a bird.
Now there are endless possibilities and dreams to dream !
Thank you for writing this post, it is exactly what I needed to hear. I left my fiancé on the 9th December, and in the back of my mind I know it was the right thing to do, but, like you say, it still hurts like hell.
Just like the lady above me, I'd like to thank you for writing this because this was what I needed to hear too. I also am trying to recover from a break up but I wasn't the one who decided to end this relationship. I'm not going to write the details here because nobody cares, but it hurt so much I thought I was going to die right there. What helped me and still does is my friends and close family. Just thinking about them, knowing that they're here for me, makes me feel better. Also, I've been trying to say to myself that I deserve better, just like you say in your post. Thank you and let's keep our heads up. We do deserve the best.
Oh and these photos are absolutely stunning!
Even six months after you first posted this, it's really helpful for me to read. I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years, and it's so so painful. It was my decision which in a way makes it much harder, as I know that as much as I love him still, it wasn't going to work in the long term.